Nikkah Please!

Join the Marriage Revolution with Sh. Yaser Birjas!

Finally I’m going to blog something about marriage and the Muslim community in America. There have been many countless posts by many famous Muslim blogs such as MuslimMatters, HAhmed, Umar Lee, Tariq Nelson, and a whole bunch of Muslim sisters who blog about their complaints towards single Muslim men. I don’t know if many of you realized but I haven’t really touched upon the marriage topic on my blog. I actually stayed away from it. The reason being was that I was also part of the single Muslim brothers crowd and if I did share my opinion, I would feel like a hypocrite. Well obviously due to this post, it is clear that I can now share my own comments.

To the Brothers

Become a Man!
I do not how else I can say that. You will be surprised to find out how many brothers I know who are 23+ and act a fool joking around all the time. In fact I fall into this category. I’m 23 and I’m shockingly very stupid and immature at many times. I wonder how my wife saw past this. Alhamdulillah she did! But there are probably many sisters out there who can’t take immaturity and stupidity. So as they say in the streets of Brooklyn: Man up bro!

Get a Bachelor’s degree
Note, I didn’t say get a job, I said get Bachelor’s degree. Wallahi, when I was set to get married, I did not have a job. I was worried like crazy. I’m getting married and I didn’t have a job. Allah is most great and most powerful. Put your trust in Allah and make constant dua. Allah will show you the way. I randomly got a job within a few months before my marriage. It was such a great relief, alhamdulillah. So my advice is you don’t need to get a job in order to get married, just get a degree and show that you are in the process of finding one. This is a major issue, because many parents will not risk engaging their daughter to a brother who doesn’t have a job yet. I’m sorry, I don’t really have a solution to convince your future wife’s parents that you will get a job.

Read about Marriage in Islam
Sh. Hamza Yusuf has an audio collection on this. Sh. Yaser Birjas teaches the “Fiqh of Love” about this. You can visit Halal Tube and find many lectures about marriage. There are hundreds of books on this topic. It’s not hard to seek knowledge about marriage in Islam.

Obey your Parents
What do I mean by this? I’ll be straight up. Another factor is many young Muslims want to get married for the wrong reasons and they completely disobey their parents. In this case, I strong suggest you listen to your parents. Here are some real life examples we all know about:

  • Example 1 – Muslim (X) and non-Muslim (Y)
    X’s like non-Muslim Y. X is in love with Y and starts to give Y “dawah”. X’s parents says no. X feels this is right and disobeys their parents. X and Y get married. X and Y don’t practice Islam anymore. X and Y divorce. X tells their parents “You were right!”
  • Example 2 – Muslim (X) and Muslim (Y)
    X and Y think they are Jay Z and Beyonce. They get married, have children, and then divorce. Why? Islam was not their deen. Pop culture and hip-hop was their deen.

Note: Example 1 is for those Muslims who weren’t really practicing but became religious due to their love for their non-Muslim friend in trying to give “dawah” to them. Example 2 is meant for those average Muslims who make up 80% of the Muslim youth who are in high school or entering college. For those who do not believe those two examples are real life situations then they are either living in the Kaaba or they are over the age of 60. In situations like this, it is highly recommended you listen to your parents. Highly!

Just dua it!

To the Sisters:

I can’t really give any advice, but I can say what brothers are looking for. I’m sorry to say this, but the overwhelming majority of brothers agree that looks matter. It’s sad, but I’m not going to lie. Appearance is right up there second to taqwa/deen. The differences amongst brothers is what they define as beauty and what looks good. Some brothers like hijabis. Some brothers like nojabis. Some brothers like dark skin and some brothers like white-skin. So relax. Some brothers like sisters with no make up at all, while some brothers like sisters with make up. It’s purely and entirely up to the brother’s heart. What his hearts desire is what he will look for in his future wife’s beauty.

Please don’t take offense to any of my comments or opinions. They are just my collection of thoughts based on my life as a single Muslim brother hanging out with 100s of other single Muslim brothers.

41 Replies to “Nikkah Please!”

  1. lets see if this can go to 300 comments. Aloot of brothers who are like around 24 ask me to “hook them up”. But most sisters who I know who are looking at like 26-28. And guys don’t want to marry a girl older than themselves.

    Also Ive found that good Muslim guys try to get married as early as possible usually by like 25, while good sisters find it hard to get married esp if they dont put themselves out there like that where they get everyone to notice them. So for those sisters they end up waiting longer to get married.

    So if your a brother and have solid references and are over 25…….

  2. Amir: Are you gonna just name the post “nikkah please” or are you :coughcough: gonna give credit to :coughcough: to person who came up with that.

  3. As-Salaamu ‘alaikum,

    Surely the conflicts with parents bit is oversimplified? I would have thought that marrying a non-Muslim or a non-religious Muslim would be a small minority of these – it would more likely be born Muslims wanting to marry converts, or to marry perfectly suitable matches other than those the parents would wish, who would have such conflicts. Marrying for the wrong reasons and disregarding parental advice or demands are two separate issues; in fact, they may well want you to marry someone you find unsuitable, because they are not religious enough or not the right kind of religious, because they are your cousin and you don’t want a cousin, or because you find them unattractive or their character dislikeable. In a lot of cases it may well be necessary to go against parental demands.

  4. @Azeem – That’s true. There are sisters who are looking who are older by 2-3 years to that of the brothers who are looking. Maybe brothers need to consider marrying older sisters.

    @ummah1421, @Yusuf Smith – Those 2 examples need to be clarified more. I have edited my post to address your concerns

    @Iboo – My bad akhi!

  5. MR…you’ve been married for a week or two…and you are already giving advice? Something tells me you’ve been making the missus unhappy. πŸ™‚

    And btw, the Thai Love links advertisement on this page is even funnier.

  6. Hahah I second Dawud. I was going to say the same thing.. now that you’re married for a couple of weeks you think you’re all bad huh? πŸ˜‰

    Hahaha I Love you Amir!

    Something funny, I had wrote a blog post on marriage but never put it public because I thought sisters may not be happy with me. πŸ˜› I still have it actually,… coincidentally, Baba Ali had a video with a very similar message as mine did. But I think Baba Ali has a better way of putting things across than me. πŸ˜›

  7. Dawud Islam and Adam- To back up my man Amir here, he waited until he is married to express his thoughts on marriage so that he doesn’t look like a hypocrite.

    my thoughts(single, 23, just graduated and a grad stud)- I think it is sisters who should be on spotlight here. From my observations, most brothers are looking to get married after bachelor’s degree. But, most sisters look for financial stability which they think a bachelor’s degree does not suffice. But they are wrong to think that way. most men are really stable when they are around 35-40. think about doctors which the Desi community worldwide think a symbol of financial stability or perhaps, fortune. A doctor probably earns money when he is 35, after paying off loans etc.

    I think sisters should really think differently. They should really think if this brother is mature and smart enough to be financially stable in future.

    I disagree if anyone has said that the brother’s or the sister’s family have no say. Finally, I think a brother should be interested in a sister if they have compatibility in religious, familial and cultural aspects. It should not be based on $$.

  8. mashallah great post. everything is pretty much true and straight forward. sisters part ..not bad at all from a brothers perspective.

  9. Great post … but I’d like to add something under become a man section for the brothers –I think most brothers are scared and in turn the girls wait — what I mean is, girls are waiting for the guy to make the first move and when he doesn’t, they end up waiting even longer.

    And another thing — when the brother doesn’t make that first move, the girl tends to go find out about the guy, and if the guy ever finds out, his ego gets in the way because he feels like the girl is desperate.

    What are your thoughts about that?

  10. and as a side comment to princess peach, the solution – is people should just get over themselves. shameless plug for tasawwuf! people’s nufus [not to exclude my own as well] are just too big these days.

    and amir kind of addressed it (not really but kind of) with his whole “man up!” what a cool phrase. esp when say, man up son!

  11. lol i read the ‘stud’ part the same way!

    i agree that people should get over themselves πŸ™‚ in fact, i think girls ego’s are equally as big when they think that they can turn away guys left and right — that they are better than these guys. i mean, sh. yaser said it when he said that guys are scared of rejection — from a sisters perspective, i can see why, especially with ego’s getting in the way.

    may Allah bless us all (the single ones out there) and help and guide us to the righteous spouses!


  12. Great Post.

    Just like to add that there is nothing wrong with a guy being younger than the girl. People make such a big deal out of nothing. There is also nothing wrong with a girl making “the first move.”

    The Prophet (sws) marraige to Khadijha (ra) is an example for both of these situations. He (sws) responded to Her proposal and she was 15 years his senior! So what’s so wrong if girls today are 1-2 years older than their husbands?

  13. @Dawud and Adam – yes I know I’m fairly new to the marriage field, but i did get married! alhamdulillah! haha

    @princess peach and ReggaePoweredDC2 – brothers will say they want to marry older sisters, but the realiy many won’t. in fact majority wont do it. i’m being real. there is nothing wrong with it, but many brother’s just won’t do that. it’s actually the reverse, brothers prefer younger sisters.

    @mosa – InshaAllah may Allah make it easy for you mosa.

  14. Hey MR-
    I wasn’t referring to age (or at least I dont think I touched upon it). My point was that many guys are scared and therefore dont have the guts to make the first motion towards a girl and thus the girl goes ahead, gets the audacity to ask about the guy and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. the cases ive heard that it doesnt work out is because the guy finds out and then thinks the girls are desperate and now the guys are no longer interested in this girl. (its kinda confusing)

    but i agree — guys do want to marry younger girls for their own reasons and you gotta respect that. you shouldn’t settle for anything less that what you want.

  15. Bismillah

    Asalaamu alaikum,

    Thank you for posting something really important like this topic. I think at one point or another it needs to be discussed and addressed and having a healthy conversation and drawing valid arguments are on the positive tract to facilitating communication. πŸ™‚

    So I have one question after reading Br. Azeem’s post:

    Also Ive found that good Muslim guys try to get married as early as possible usually by like 25, while good sisters find it hard to get married esp if they dont put themselves out there like that where they get everyone to notice them. So for those sisters they end up waiting longer to get married.

    Are you referring to the sisters who are not active and known in the community? For me, “putting yourself out there” that strikes me as the opposite of having hayaa? InshaAllah if you can explain, that would be awesome.

    Jazaakum Allahu Khayr,

  16. i never thought thinking zaki was a stud [which he is] would be considrered an amazing observation but either way I enjoy giving amir hits πŸ˜›

  17. haha @stud. I didn’t know what it meant until now. I guess it doesn’t always help to shorten words.

  18. dont call him names, hes a blue devil now, theyll come after u. i never understood that mascot, zaki can u explain?

  19. BTW, this post is not about me or my mistake. Nevertheless, jazakallah Haseeb. sak=shaheer?

    from Sheikh Wikipedia: As World War I ended, Duke’s Board of Trustees, then called the “Trinity College Board of Trustees,” lifted their quarter century ban of football on campus leading to an interest in naming the athletic teams.[14] The team was then known as the Trinity Eleven, the Blue and White, or the Methodists (as opposed to the Baptists of nearby rival Wake Forest University). Because of the ambiguity, the student newspaper, the Trinity Chronicle (now called The Chronicle) launched a campaign to create a new mascot. Nominations for a new team name included Catamounts, Grizzlies, Badgers, Dreadnaughts, and Captains. The Trinity Chronicle editor narrowed the many nominations down to those that utilized the school colors of dark blue and white. The narrowed list consisted of Blue Titans, Blue Eagles, Polar Bears, Blue Devils, Royal Blazes, and Blue Warriors. None of the nominations proved to be a clear favorite, but the name Blue Devils elicited criticism that could potentially engender opposition on campus. That year, the football season passed with no official selection.

    During the 1922-1923 academic year, campus student leaders and the editors of the two other student publications, The Archive and The Chanticleer, decided that the newspaper staff should decide the name on their own because the nomination process had proved inconclusive. Editor-in-chief William H. Lander and managing editor Mike Bradshaw began referring to the athletic teams as the Blue Devils. Though the name was not officially used that year, no opposition to the name arose. The Chronicle’s staff continued to use the name and eventually β€œBlue Devils” became the official mascot and nickname of the Duke athletics program.

    this may be unrelated: Blue Devil is a superhero featured in material published by DC Comics. He first appeared in a preview story published in Fury of Firestorm #24, cover dated June 1984. That story led directly into Blue Devil #1, also cover dated June 1984.

  20. slmz

    listen brothers and sisters, when you get married are you still brothers and sisters.. isnt that kind of like. gross incest?

    before that do brothers check out sisters? do sisters get hot at a brothers glance?

    this is messed up.

  21. Person “LOL” If you are a male, you better stop typing because you have already turned off the entire Muslim female populace with your immature and unmanly comments.

    Calling people “brothers” and “sisters” is a just a general title of respect. Grow up.

    On a personal note, I couldn’t care less if someone was financially secure, as long as he had the potential.

    Sisters also look for potential spouses who are good leaders, sensitive, merciful, and responsible. Of course like Amir said, Deen and appearances do matter. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, however.


  22. Man up = Have money

    Dont agree with not having money and just having a degree,
    but do agree that a degree helps plenty

    Us making alot of dua…… Best part… So true

    I liked your parents examples…. alot actually, sounds quite like real life

    I like that you did not lie about what guys want, Think of young man Mufti-sab with a big beard, he wants the good looking girl too. Hes Human

  23. For someone who just walked in the blogosphere and since I don’t know how it’s really done, the first thing i noticed was the proportions up in the article. brother part is what… two times longer than that of the sisters. Which, is respectable, alhamdullilah.

    in a similar vein, i’m a muslimah who hung around 100s of sisters. let’s see what our input can do to each other’s blogs. check out:


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